The end of this year is approaching and I don’t even know how to express this in words. I am still processing all the stuff that happened this year and maybe right now I am not in that state that I could think rationally. This year was a roller coaster. Starting from broken hearts and broken friendships I found solace between my inner self. I was happy thriving into my world happy anyways but then I met him out of the blue. He was like a gentle breeze and without even knowing we fell for each other. I was scared to let love in but he made me believe in it or maybe I was too naive to think he was perfect. Nor was I but yet we clung onto each other. I had the most amazing time with him. We rarely fought and even when I would like to start fights he never got mad at me. I was living the life of my dreams. Sometimes I doubted his existence or maybe I romanticized him way too much but I thought I finally found the one for me. I was so happy with him that I gave him everything. Then slowly I started to do irrational things. It was a perfectly healthy relationship but then I cheated on him and I don’t know how to make it less more horrific Yes, I accept that I cheated on him and till this day I regret it with every inch of my being. When he found out about it, we were over.
He was so so disappointed in me. He didn’t even say anything to me. He just cried in my arms and left me the following day and since then he has never looked back. And I am out here ripping my heart out for I see what I have lost. It was everything I dreamed of and I picked it apart. I repent it every day, every hour, and every second how I shouldn’t have done that! But now the time is gone. I wish him all the best in his life. He taught me a lot of things that will remain forever with me. I loved him and I will keep loving him. Breaking up with him made me break up with everyone around. I searched for solace with everyone around but got none from some of my friends. They didn’t even ask me if I was okay! Or if I was doing fine. Something died inside me then.
I started to run away from everything and everyone. I used to skip going home for days because I didn’t want to face myself or my friends or feel that loneliness creeping inside of me because of being surrounded by everyone who made me feel like my existence was nothing to them. I corrupted myself with anything that I could find. I cried for weeks if not months until I couldn’t. And right now while I am writing this I am staying with a person who has been kind to me in this chaos, who has offered me genuine help and love and comfort and I couldn’t thank her enough for this.
Coming down the way, I have realized a lot of things. A broken heart is not a small thing it messes you up in every single way and until you learn to live with it, it is horrible.
In the last days of December, I wish I had done a lot of things in a different way or I would have responded in a different manner than I did but what done is done and what said is said. They say healing is not simultaneous and I have begun to realize it. As I write this I don’t know who I have become or who I am going to be in the future all I know is that right now I am lying down with my eyes full of tears and my heart full of pain that seems like a thousand slap across my soul. It’s heart-wrenching.
Finally, as this year ends I am grateful to everyone who let a hand out for me in my hard times and even to those who didn’t. I realize you do have a reason to do that maybe, I hurt you in either way or failed to carry on the friendship that we had and I am extremely sorry for it. I am going through my own trauma and I have seen a lot, maybe a little more than you have experienced and I am not invalidating your pains and sorrows because I had it harder I am just letting you know why am I the way I am. I have been toxic to people around me and I have lost a lot of amazing people due to that but I never had a bad intention along the way. I am healing and I am bleeding into those who didn’t even cut me in the first place. But to those who are staying with me knowing that I am trying my best to be as sane as I can rn, thank you, Thankyou, I see it all and I appreciate it.
I have no idea where is my life heading but I know one fact for sure that I have a long battle to fight! And even though I am not ready I will fight and win this.
The new year brings hope to all the ends that were not meant to fall apart like that. I want to be better for myself and for those who love me. I am welcoming this new year with all the love and happiness that’s left inside of me, I hope it’s enough to find myself again!
– From someone who is broken in every way rn. (Female)
